Sunday, June 9, 2019

Being autistic and dealing with loss

It is common knowledge for those who know me, I did not grow up in a happy household. I was raised by a narcissistic mom and dad. I was never good enough for them. Always taught me I was the reason they were miserable. I developed a mind of my own and used going away to college to escape.

At college I met my husband by tripping on him sitting on the dorm stairs crying because his ex girlfriend really hurt him badly. We exchanged numbers and the rest is history.

Soon after this, he brought me to meet his mom. She looked just like him, having a friendly smile on her face. He stood next to her and said "I can see clear over the top of your head." I assume it was because he was in his 20's and he was showing off. He then looked at me. I was shorter than her. The first thing she ever said to me was "go ahead, slap him." Then she asked him,"Are you going to introduce us? I taught you better than that."

After that meeting, I never called her by her first name. It was always mom. She had said there are no such things as in laws, only new family members. We grew close over the years. My mother and father did everything they could to bring me down. They even went as far to say my husband was imaginary and he did not exist because who would want to marry me? She has told them what she thought more than a few times.

We had this joke bet that she would be a grandmother before she was 50. Two of her grandchildren were born when she was 49. When we told her we finally had a viable pregnancy, she called me a snot. She was kidding of course. She even went with us during some of the appointments.  Even my husbands siblings treat me like I am one of the kids. For the first time, without feeling I was taking away from my friends, I felt what real love felt like. I realized my parents behavior was not normal.

Sure we had our up and downs but we were always there for each other. She was never Mary. She was always mom

Even when my first child was diagnosed as autistic, she never saw it as a negative. When I got diagnosed she said "It had to come from somewhere." She saw what ABA was and immediately joined my side of the argument. She was always willing to learn about this fight.  She was so supportive and accepting.

Recently she was in the hospital again. She had been dealing with kidney failure and lung issues since I knew her so hospitalization was routine. Then she did not come out. My sister in law called us because she may be dying. We spoke to the doctor. her organ systems were shutting down. Her 60 year old body was like a 78 year old. This was three days ago.

We got the call today. She had passed peacefully. We all knew it was coming. We did not keep it from the kids. Three of my children are autistic too so I know how important preparing something traumatic is.

This was the worst loss of my life. My children are taking it well. My husband and I are taking turns breaking down. We try not to let the kids see how it is affecting us.  For me, I feel the loss in my soul. It literally consumes me. I am trying to be strong for my husband but its hard. All my senses are heightened. I find myself stimming more. Not physically but with sound and music. I am overly sensitive to touch when he wants a hug. I am trying to power through it.It is so hard when you just want to rip your skin off at everything that touches you.  Right now I am trying to bury myself in work so I don't have to think about it but it only works so much. They say time heals wounds but I have a feeling this one will never heal.

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