Ever since the NBC article has been released, I became public about my bleacher hunting. I have done more as a result. I was at a fast pace and I felt empowered. I was being more public about my efforts. People have been reaching out to me to ask my opinion or my advice. I felt like I mattered. First time in a long time.
Then we were called for the Dr. Oz show. I was skeptical because of the pseudoscience he pushes. I made the decision because his audience needs to hear what we have to say. It turned out that he did the segment beautifully, aside from a few comments he made. No one is perfect.
There have been more bleachers coming out of the woodwork since all of this took place. I had to get my photos organized into albums. This way I can keep the child abusers straight. Telegram has made sure to give them a place to communicate about their abuse. What did it was Facebook limiting the reach of my page I use to spread the message.
After seeing all this depravity, being silenced and dealing with life, I could feel burn out coming. Still, I pushed myself to do more and more. Then it hit me.
It is one of the worst feelings. I felt like I could not do a good enough job to advocate for our community further. I felt like I was just not doing enough. I could never do enough. Why did I think I was actually making a difference? Why did I think I deserved to have such an honor?
I just wanted to disappear.
There were a few times this week where I just wanted to quit. I felt like it would not matter if I stopped doing what I was doing. There were a few times I went into shut down. My family has been very supportive.
I question why people would even do this to their children. What could I possibly do to stop it? With all I am doing, people are still forcing their children to drink, have enemas, take baths with and nebualizers with bleach. How could they possibly think that this was the right thing to do?
No one who does this, does it alone. This type of depravity you cannot take on by yourself. I have a huge support system within the autistic community. I would not be recovering from this burnout if it weren't for them. I was able to pour my heart out and there was no judgement. I am recovering. I am not out of burnout completely, but I am getting there.