Self Diagnosis Is Not A Privilege. It Is Deep Seeded In Trauma

"Does your autism make you nasty?" is what I was met with when I told my toxic mother that I was diagnosed with autism on September 30, 2013. 


How do I remember the date? The only appointment that was available was my birthday and only appointment that was available. I thank my toxic mother for holding onto my ADHD report from when I was diagnosed at 6 years old. 

Today I saw a meme a certian person who tried to have my children removed from my care had posted that said that self diagnosis is a privlege. That people who are "really autistic" have no choice but to be diagnosed. 

When I was 6, my teacher told my parents that something wasn't right and I needed to go to a child psychologist. After a few appointments a a long series of tests, I was diagnosed with Attention Defficiet Hyperactivity Disorder in 1988. At that time girls weren't diagnosed with any neurodivergence so I consider myself lucky. It still came with heartache. 

Autism isn't just a label to me like these anti neurodiversity activits say. The labels I had growing up were"

"thoughtless"
"selfish"
"stupid"
the r bomb
"lazy"
"daydreamer"
"unbalanced"
"attention seeking"
"emotionally disturbed"
"miserable"

I am sure there are others I am forgetting. 

Not being diagnosed because of the lack of information when I was a child was not a priveledge. 

I was suicidal since I was 7 and I was told I was faking it. As an adult, I thought I wasn't good enough for my kids and actually tried drinking cleaner because they deserved a mother that was more stable. Around this time my mother offered to help me die. This was before I figured everything out. 

When filling out the checklist for bug's autism evaluation, I realized that he was just like I was as a kid. This realization is not uncommon. This was about the time I met Emma. She saved my life. She made me feel like I was worth saving. I never told her this. 

So when you say self diagnosis is a privlege, please check yourself. Not being diagnosed until I was 32 came with great heartache and suicide attempts. I know Connie and Fiona wish I suceeded. I'm here to stay.

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